"Anxiety, You Need To Let Her Go!"

A quick ting on birthdays & boundaries.

Last year around this time, my boyfriend told me he didn’t want to spend his birthday with me.

For context: we had only met the week before 😂 but as an anxious-attachment girlie who had already told her cousin the day we matched on Hinge to “get the kente ready,” I did not want to hear that.

Here’s the thing though—I had spent the past year in monthly therapy sessions learning how to better handle this exact scenario. And up until then, I kept failing the test.

I was notorious for not setting boundaries, moving too fast, and creating expectations in my head that rarely aligned with how long I’d actually known someone.

If you’re anxiously attached like me, this might sound familiar. Do you find yourself making lists of their favourite things after just a few interactions, doing grand gestures and trying to prove way too early on that they should “choose you, pick you”? If so, you probably keep getting burned like I did—because anxiety doesn't encourage us to slow down and genuinely get to know someone. The fear of being abandoned or rejected makes us dive in way too fast, and often leaves us getting taken for eediat.

So when he gently explained that he wasn’t comfortable celebrating his birthday with someone he’d known for a week, I finally got to put all that therapy to work by simply saying, “I understand.”

Was I happy about it? No.
Did my anxiety flare up? Absolutely.
Did I spend way too long overanalyzing it with my girl Deb? Guilty.

But for the first time ever, I truly meant it when I said I understood—because I knew this was the exact milestone my therapist and I had been working toward.

Anxiety doesn’t just disappear, but learning to pause and ask myself, What’s the reality of this situation? What are my fears, and where are they coming from? has helped me make more emotionally grounded decisions.

Now, a year later, I can look back and be proud of the Jessica who respected his boundary. I truly believe that moment played a huge role in getting us where we are today. It not only set the tone for our relationship, but also empowered me to set healthy boundaries in every other area of my life, too.

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In book related news, The Full Picture is now available to request on NetGalley. This is your chance to read my debut novel early in exchange for an honest review! I’m not gonna lie, I am super nervous about people outside of my immediate circle reading my work but I guess it was always going to get to this point lmao. So here we go!

And lastly, here are my monthly thoughts brought to you by my hardest working app—after TikTok and Libby of course!

Until we gist again,

Jess 🫶🏿